I am a 28 year old software techie having a stutter. It is very hard to go back in time and scratch the troubled past, especially for a stutterer. I was born into a typical middle class family with father employed in IAF and mother a house wife. I am the second kid among three.
Father was a typical military man imposing his authority and condescending in whatever way he could. As a result of which, I was petrified when he used to teach me “Maths”. I still vividly remember the beating that I got from my dad, when I was NOT able to memorize “twinkle twinkle little star” rhyme. Then I had his fingerprints imprinted on my delicate thighs as a result of a hard whack! My mom is the sweetest whom I used to take always for granted and used to receive unconditional love. She always used to come running after I was in tears and nursed my wounds.
None of my parents or relatives has any kind of speech disorder. The legend says that I developed a stutter when I met with a bloody accident injuring my mouth. I was 6 years old then. I was climbing upstairs, scared of a black colored dog. In haste, I slipped and fell down rolling all the way down. Thereafter, my stutter grew to mammoth proportions. When I was studying at Bangalore Air Force school and KV, Kanpur, nothing much was brought to my notice. Which obviously mean that my parents might have been under the impression that I am just growing up and these occasional disfluencies in the speech are not something that has to be taken seriously.
When I was at KV Kasauli, I was grown up enough to become conscious of my speech eccentricity. There was a classmate of mine called Gaurav who used to stammer as well. However, he was quite intelligent unlike me and always used to be a topper in class and unit tests. People started casting aspersions that I was trying to imitate Gaurav since he is “the way to go” type (for obvious reasons: he tops always). That was when I first realized people really go wild in their imagination. I had to vehemently refute all such allegations, but that sparked a guilt pang in me and I started to become conscious about my speech. I made an effort not to sound like Gaurav. I grew older with this problem, being hopeful of a day when I wake up and speak normally again.
Later on I managed to get a seat in Military school, Belgaum. As part of military discipline I was required to keep pace with schedules, PTs, drills, and play (the one I enjoyed the most). This was place where I had put up with kids from various backgrounds and nature: vernacular, polished, dominant, meek and many more. I was made fun many times but that never hurt because I was next making fun of him when I got a chance to. Showing obedience and respect to the seniors in the school was a tradition, which we all were supposed to practice and uphold. Any deviance from this set pattern was bound to be dealt with an iron hand. Through-out my schooling at military school, I managed to excel in sports and studies. But along the way, I intelligently ducked the activities or roles that came my way, because of my speech. This includes junior debate competitions, extempore competitions, poems and prayer recitations etc. because of which the institution’s motto of developing a kid’s all-rounded personality, that it proudly proclaims, went somewhere awry. Avoidance behavior in my life started at this juncture.
When I started my engineering studies, I started off with a bang, getting FCD (first class with distinction) in the 1st semester, where as no one else was able to do so in my group. That put me in the elite list of brainy people. Obviously people used to approach me as if I was a scholar. But the moment I started explaining them the concept, I used to get stuck horribly, from where there’s no escape. And in the process making my problem absolutely conspicuous. I can remember a taunt from one of my friend who said, “teri gaadi ekdum se atak kyon jaati hai?” (why does your vehicle get stuck all of a sudden?). Initially my friends were not able to understand my speech problem, but later on they accepted it as a part of me. But I was still hopeful of getting a miracle cure.
I was very thoughtful and eagerly awaiting the final semester’s presentation. This was “the” dreadful moment I had imagined in my dreams. I was required to present a topic for at least 10 minutes standing in front of HOD, computer science department along with his entourage, all of them ogling at me waiting to judge me. I should accept that I stuttered miserably, which sent various connotations to the audience viz, I am short of confidence, and blah blah, I wish I could someday explain them what went wrong on that fateful day.
After my engineering studies, I was eligible for UES (university entry scheme) for direct entry into IMA, Dehradun. I tried my luck here as this was what we all were supposed to do sooner or later, to pay homage to our “Alma mater”, ie. the military school. The one thing I used hate most about the interview process is: Group Discussion. I failed quite a few times at this stage and I was beginning to take these failures as part of me.
Later on when I was looking for a job, there were two options, either look for an ideal IT job or for a call center job which has some real easy money in it. I applied for the latter but the moment they asked me to introduce myself in front of the audience, I used to go pale with sweat all over my body, squeezing my vocal chords that renders it useless, stopping to breath and forgetting all that I had earlier planned to say. No wonder I was shown the door, which is what I would have done if I were him/her. In the meantime, I decided to enroll for the MBA entrance test coaching center, thanks to my Dad who arranged the required finance in time. By this time, my dad was getting increasingly frustrated about my speech problem and asked me to accompany him for a trip to Mysore. There is All India Institute of Speech and Hearing (AIISH), where I had undergone a week long in-house therapy sessions, where in my progress was continuously being monitored. They taught me the same old speech techniques. When the therapy ended, I was quite happy but the authorities saw me off with a caveat: practice or else relapse will occur.
Practice for me was a part-time activity when there were more important issues to be addressed at that point in time. CAT was approaching fast and I was nowhere up to the mark. In the meantime I attended a call center interview for chat/e-mail based process in Bangalore. I think the guy who interviewed me was smart enough to spot my stutter and selected me, being sure that I would stick to his company since no other company will hire a stutterer in a call center. I gave up plans of MBA and joined the company @Bangalore, entering into a rat race to make quick buck. But the operations on the floor of a call center were not a cake walk. We had to stick to the stringent timelines and handle multiple irate customers. In this pressure situation, stutter raises its ugly hood, which is what it did then too. But my supervisor had a head of a cucumber and laughed off my block and moved on, sparing me of the shame. There were numerous such embarrassing situations I had been through.
Luckily I landed a plum job in the IT sector @Pune after a grueling interview which lasted more than an hour. I might have struggled a bit in the interview but the interviewer was very nice to ignore those block altogether. But the real challenge was to deal with the nonchalant British workers in UK. I do not blame them because they had a reason to be upset. We went there to transition their jobs to India. This was again a challenging situation where stutter posed a problem. I would like to quote a scholar on stutterers: “A stammering man is never a worthless man; he’s just too sensitive to the surroundings”. This seems to be applicable to me in UK, I was too submissive, trying to please all of them. My then Project Manager had taken my speech blocks as sloppy communication and ordered me to take a training on communication skills. I obliged but to no good.
I made a change in the IT company and this time again, I was grilled for more than hour, with me getting stuck at many words and phrases. At one point, one of the panel member was about to burst into laughter when I was talking, as it might have sounded funny to him. But to my surprise, I was shortlisted and selected for the job.
After so many trials and tribulations, I can say something with conviction: “man never chooses his destiny, destiny chooses him.” By far, I could never predict my future but I can only plan for a safe game. Once I have resigned myself to the destiny, I have eased a lot of burden on my soul, and when you are light from within, you do not have to force or fake anything, including speech. I am just living an eventful life.
Manohar (Manohar coordintaes Pune Self Help Group of TISA)
